Does the sun ask itself, “Am I good? Am I worthwhile? Is there enough of me?” No, it burns and it shines. Does the sun ask itself, “What does the moon think of me? How does Mars feel about me today?” No it burns, it shines. Does the sun ask itself, “Am I as big as other suns in other galaxies?” No, it burns, it shines. – Andrea Dworkin
Once again, I have spent weeks staring at a blank document even emptier than my soul (dramatic I know, but please bare with me on this one, I am a writer after all).
After the kafuffle that spread through the grapevine from my last post (which had to be removed, as I feared he will kill me) admitting my fairytale turned into a dark twisted nightmare of manipulation, accompanied by, emotional and physical abuse by someone I loved, I began to question my ENTIRE existence.
No matter how many people write to me informing me my words have gotten them through their darkest hours, I cannot help but listen to the false voices in my head that scream, “NO ONE GIVES A FUCK WHAT YOU SAY. CRAWL BACK INTO THE HOLE YOU CAME FROM, GET A REAL JOB IN AN OFFICE, SHAVE YOUR HEAD, EAT DELIVEROO AND WATCH NETFLIX AND REMAIN ANONYMOUS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. THAT WAY NO ONE CAN HURT YOU, REJECT YOU, ABANDON YOU. RAAAAAHHHHH”
And then, there is the other part of my brain. It does not scream, it does not demean me. Instead, it whispers to me and makes every cell in my body light up at the sheer possibility of what could be.
It pats my head and coos in my ear, ever so gently…. “You were put on this earth to make a change. To create. To live an extraordinary life that 18-year-old you could have never made up in the four corners of her mind, let alone thought possible. To create a life full of brilliance and courage. To let that desire pour through you and be the absolute pinnacle of your existence.
You. You deserve kisses on the forehead. You deserve sunset motorbike rides along the hills of Barcelona clutching onto your best friend, blaming the tears on the wind…. not your overbearing happiness and appreciation for the brighter moments, for you have been exposed to so much darkness for far too long.
You deserve to stop apologizing for your existence, for drinking too much or talking too fast. You deserve to wake up in a happy home where no one will manipulate or hurt you. You deserve presents for your presence. Smiles from strangers at the lights. For your alarm to go off in the morning and to burst out of your bed in the home you gave up everything for, make your matcha, have your hot/cold shower and open up your laptop bursting at the seams with ideas.”
That you are deserving of the love you keep trying to give everyone else.
It has been a long and hard road, one that saw no end. Although it looks all castles, smiles, wine and airplanes on my social media, I am the first to put my hand up and say it has been alot more than that.
And so my insecurities still niggle at my mind, I still find myself in front of various bathroom mirrors around the globe cursing my double chin and my ‘Amy Winehouse’ features whilst mourning the loss of those who have been so quick to abandon me, mixed with an unhealthy dose of stalking the pages of DJ’s who have been so much more successful than me.
BUT I know that inside me I have a power that is far more beautiful than the hollowness of all that. A life full of purpose and courage.
I find myself constantly in awe of the little things and everything I have to look forward to.
I can look back at the past with a smile and a nod and say ‘I DID IT!’.
I can look the future dead in the eye with a cheeky grin and say ‘Bring it on’
For I have pushed up my sleeves for far too long. It is time to pull them down and bask in the fruits of my labor, no matter what the outcome.
I am alive. My heart is beating, it is time to start acting like it…..