Why I outgrew my Dream.

It’s been awhile since I have been able to write…. My inbox is flooded with curious friends and strangers wondering what the fuck happened and am I insane? Barcelona is your everything!

I found myself in an unhealthy toxic home environment. An indication that I jump into friendships too fast ignoring red flags and believing I can fix people. Needless to say my grandparents were right. You absolutely cannot polish a turd.

When you are a creative life can get very stagnant. You crave more adventure. More freedom. Just like you outgrow your favourite clothes, you can also outgrow your dream. 1 month ago today I had a choice, give in to the voices in my head that begged me to give up and go back to Australia. Or give this life one last try and start yet again in yet another country. I LITERALLY had nothing to lose.

When I received a phone call alerting me to some HEAVY stuff going down in my apartment…. I was in Portugal on a horse riding tour my loves had bought me for my birthday. My body went into flight or fight mode as I spoke with a billion lawyers and called in my tribe for help. As I sat on the floor of my hotel in a fit of panic I received a call out of the blue from my Australian friend I haven’t seen in 2.5 years.

I don’t even say hello.. ‘My whole life is falling apart.’

‘SO IS MINE’. WHERE ARE YOU’

‘LISBON.’

‘SO AM I!!!’ (Signs)

Within 1 hour she was at my hotel with food and wine. She’d moved to Portugal a few months back and was moving into a share house that had a room available February 1st. (Signs)

Moving to Lisbon for a few months, along with some other countries, was on my bucket list. But at the very bottom. I feel I had so much more in Barcelona to achieve. But the very moment I landed in Portugal for my birthday I felt a little niggle in my stomach.

What is this trying to tell me? I found myself in an unfortunate series of 5am panic attacks and my body couldn’t take it anymore. I suffered for all of 2018 not following my gut feeling. I put it out to the universe that yes, fuck it, I’m going to move to Lisbon! This week! Let’s do this!

Within an hour I had 2 new social media clients (signs), and a woman in a FB group looking for someone to housesit the exact date I booked my flight for (signs)! I could have one week on my own to go through my self-ecdysis. Shedding the skin of my old life and preparing to be the new updated version of myself for this one.

I walked the streets of Barcelona I loved so much and I cried, as if a mother feeling the first senses of postpartum depression. The dream I created now made me depressed. My best guy friend heard the tone of my voice over the phone and got on a train to lug my big ass suitcase halfway across Barcelona. He made me soup and held me all night. The next day I gathered my things, my thoughts and big farewell to what was once my dream life. He holds me tight at the door. ‘I am proud of you. You are starting to really walk your talk and become who you are. Life is about to get really easy for you .’

I huddled my life to the 7:15am flight and left Barcelona exactly the way I came in; still slightly drunk, wearing 4 jackets due to excess luggage and lugging a broken overpacked suitcase in a Burger King crown. I cried my entire flight, and as we landed an overwhelming sense of calm poured over me…. And low and behold a big ass motherfucking rainbow outside my plane window! Since that rainbow my life has nothing but flowed.

I spent the first few weeks challenging myself to find out who I really am. I went inside that dark part of my mind and faced myself. I lived on a solid diet of solitude, sunsets, Charles Bukowski and smiles from strangers, Playtime and alone time is essential to my wellbeing and I emerged shimmering from the inside out with an overwhelming sense of release and purpose!

Even the smallest joyful event can signify that things are changing for you. All the difficult times and what you considered failures have brought you right here. Sometimes it is ok to take a giant leap forward then 2 steps back. As you can see, I went through SO MUCH change in a tiny amount of time and removed ALOT of toxicity out of my life. Never underestimate the magic you can create when you unleash the chain from the collar of toxic situations.

I bounced between overwhelming bouts of happiness to an entire day feeling detached and craving old behaviours. When you are gaslighted for so long it can be terrifying to feel liberated again! I think my vulnerability is a curse but it is now becoming one of the assets my new friends love so much! I was so set on healing as quickly as possible I took a triple WOPPING dose of mushrooms inside alone to face all my fears head on.

I have catapulted to the other side (in a new country) stronger, wiser and with more abundance and love in my life that than I could possibly have ever wished for. I accumulated a strong sense of self I searched for my entire existence, accompanied by some solid new boundaries. Sometimes, you have to release the old to prove you are ready for the new. Trust your journey.

I chose to listen to the 1% of happiness left in my head. What I gained was an entire new universe filled with like minded humans, new opportunities and a second chance to do it all again, but my way this time! Ready for all the new humans that were about to jump into my life, and as soon as I said that to the universe they came pouring in spades. I am absolutely smothered in love, solitude and in love with music all over again! In the midst of all this devastation and new adventures, I finally found Katie again.

Hiiiii. I’M BACK!

 

As for the psycho? I have learnt to stop drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. I know that what goes around comes around. Karma will take care of her now. <3

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